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Since treatment typically focuses on three clusters of goals (Hamill, 2001), looking into the three one at a time I will address these using the relapse prevention model (Pithers et al., 1983) as a guide while focusing on analyzing the abusive behavior and learning how to interpret the chain of thoughts, feelings, stimuli, and behaviors before they lead to another offense (Saunders & Hamill 2003). This paper is to aid in identifying the offense cycle and develop a safety plan and to focus on identifying skill deficits, habits, and emotional imbalances while reviewing the life skills I have obtained that will allow me to continue to meet my needs in an adaptive legal manner while focusing on trauma resolution to lesson the impact of traumatic experiences while regaining control over the direction (Saunders & Hamill 2003) of my life. It would not be fair to go into the treatment and prevention without some form of autobiographical account about personally experienced events that were traumatic and had a detrimental impact on my overall character. For myself puberty was an emotionally confusing time and the norms of body appearance which how one would expect a child to develop where not so easily defined. My weight gain came suddenly when I was about 8 years old. What happened over the next few years physically during my maturation was not what had happened to my brother or my male cousins. While the other males grew upward and gained muscle mass and body hair, I gained fat tissue and my body began to resemble more of a typical female form with regard to breasts, hips, buttocks, thighs, upper arms, and pubic area. It was during this period of maturation that became very confusing to my identity. I was no longer happy and outgoing and my own personal behaviors helped to lend support to the deviance hypothesis of pubertal timing. Although I fell into the category of an early maturer, my behaviors were more of an early maturing girl than displaying the higher confidence normally associated with early-maturing boys. Early maturing girls had more problems in school, were more independent (Simmons & Blythe, 1987) and are more likely to smoke, drink, be depressed, have an eating disorder, request earlier independence from their parents, and have older friends; and their bodies are likely to elicit responses that lead to early dating and earlier sexual experiences (Santrock, 2008). I displayed common symptoms of depression throughout my teens and into my early twenties. I would withdraw from all those around me and remain isolated, I had difficulty in school because of the ridicule from my appearance. I did not want to be there and would intentionally cut classes or just stay home for days on end. Sleep came very sporadically and being labeled as fat or being told I had “bitch hips” or any number of other comments pertaining to my outward appearance would keep me from showering and participating in gym class and other sports that I once loved. I would just not eat at times then binge during other times since I found comfort in it. When I was fifteen I was brought to a Doctor who ran tests because I had stomachaches that would sometimes be severe enough to keep me in bed. I no longer cared about my grades and was just waiting the time that I could leave school and all those people that were ridiculing me. Later on in my early teens I turned to “norm-violating peers” and started using street drugs and alcohol in an effort to alleviate the depression. Most of these older peers were the older siblings of the few friends I managed to have while growing up. At the age of 14, my parents adopted three biological sisters from the Republic of South Korea, so there I was, stuck in the middle, the younger brother and shadow of James Jr. and the older brother of “the girls”. It was also at this point in my life that my parents would purchase a home in the Adirondacks, pack up and relocate to an area where I had no friends or family, to simply uproot all that I have known to give me supposedly a better chance at life. Between the ages of 14 through 16, I had managed to grow approximately 4 inches in height from 5’4” to 5’8” but remarkably my weight had stayed the same. This new look shifted my depression to a manic stage where I had an extreme sense of confidence and suddenly those around me expressed sexual attraction which apparently as a result of social and cognitive immaturity, combined with early physical development, I was easily lured into problem behaviors, not recognizing the possible long-term effects of these on my [sic] development (Santrock, 2008). No matter the attention that was poured on me in these next couple years the emotional confusion was never truly dealt with. Why must I just be “a man”? Why couldn’t I be a person, not defined by clothing or anything as simple yet so complex in society? At the age of 16 I tried to take my own life, alone in my bedroom with the music fading out I do not remember much, my door crashing open, my Father yelling at me asking what I had done, faces flashing in and out of focus, red lights flashing for what appeared to be miles. This was not the life I wanted for myself. After that attempt I entered college a couple months later. I made a miserable attempt for a few semesters highlighted with severe drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, the first of my arrests, drug and alcohol rehabilitation, and the beginning of a whirlwind cycle that would steadily spiral downward for several continuous years. I was married the first time by shotgun at the age of 19 and her just days after her 18th and 6 months with child. Married just two weeks before I would embark on a military “career.” I enlisted in the Army during the first Gulf War to get away from my new wife and for a chance to die a hero, to perhaps go to Elysian Fields, the final resting place of the blessed chosen by the gods, or at least a nice comfortable bed in Purgatory for a long awaited stay. You see, deep down I knew who I was or what I was, but not knowing how to express it, or being ill or misinformed about Inter-gender and Transgenderism back then, one always associates it with sexuality, which as we now know does not seem to be the case at all. So there I was, 19 years old, in the military during wartime, praying that this all be over with. This was not a thought to uphold and defend the Constitution; it was just a challenge to see if God truly had a purpose for me. If I was to die a heroes’ death, then so be it. I figured I had already gone through severe alcohol and drug abuse, depression and a failed suicide attempt, all before the age of 18 and that after God brought me through that, I felt the need to challenge His greatness some more. Since combat didn’t do it, I decided to take up drug and alcohol abuse once again. While stationed in Ft. Polk, Louisiana at the age of 20 I was diagnosed with a gastric ulcer and placed on Antabuse for the treatment of chronic alcohol abuse after consuming an excessive amount that caused the ulcer to rupture after months of binge drinking. Once my discharge from the military was finalized I returned to my family a shell of my old self and my first marriage began to deteriorate rapidly during the course of the years to follow. In 1997, I announced to my second wife of one year that I was unhappy, at which her irrational response was for me to leave, this right after our first anniversary. I was dressing again since old habits are truly hard to give up, especially when my “habit” was my self-identifier. My uncle who was like a second father had passed away earlier that year and still hurting deeply by his untimely passing; I was in the onset of Gender Euphoria. It was within this state that I knew that I could not just be the man I was expected to be, deep down I didn’t even want to be a man and cursed God for making me the way He did. I was hurting inside and felt that if I didn’t start to do anything to make myself happy that I would simply die. Not figuratively but literally die. I felt the onset of depression as it approached. I rationalized that something needed to change. Something deep internally that needed to come out, that something was someone, and that someone was who I am. It was that inner being that had been locked away for some time screaming to come out and live again, and live I would. The thought of living as a fulltime woman had become more than just fleeting, it was at that point that I had announced to my employers that I was Transgendered and I started to truly live my life. Every day was beautiful, the sun was shining and I woke up and started my day like I had always dreamed I would. Everything seemed perfect. This life that I had created for myself came to an earth shattering halt when my estranged wife announced to my parents my “new” lifestyle decision and out-ed me to uninformed family and friends. You see, out of respect for certain individuals I remained in a state of androgyny most times, hiding my curves under baggy clothing since puberty. Respect might only partially describe my reasons, that and because certain people are just close-minded to anything outside the so-called norms of society. I ignored all that were opposed to whom I really was, to those who couldn’t understand who I was and what made me truly happy. Segregating myself from everyone that opposed was easy at first but ultimately would take a toll on me. I sought out the advice of a crisis intervention counselor and was told to try and rationalize these things from every viewpoint. Funny thing is, if I was gay I think my parents, family, and friends would have understood clearly and would not object. But, the fact that I was Transgendered and chose to live “like that” was something that most did not understand and just clearly opposed. I have almost always had irregular sleep patterns, couple that with depression and guaranteed someone will prescribe something to help alleviate those problems. The counselor prescribed some sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. All the time I am slipping in and out of depression, my then 2-year-old son wanted me back home, back with his mother. Explaining reality to a two year old is no easy task; you can trust me on that. So for nearly a year I had to try and figure out whom I was and what I wanted to do about it. There was simply no easy way of dealing with what had been started, partly because I was not the one that came out on my own, I felt I was wronged and that I could not appease those around me by being happy myself. This is when the ultimate revelation was about to take place. Every TG at one point or another has dealt with “purging”; this is normal for anybody that has any moral consciousness whatsoever. Purging is defined as “to free from moral or ceremonial defilement” and in June of 1998 with incense burning and meditation music playing faintly in the background I decided to free myself. A hand written note scribed and placed on my end table next to the two empty bottles which had previously contained a one week supply of antidepressants and sleeping pills, an empty case of wine coolers beside the bed, and the ash remains of a just smoked pot pipe. The note, which was written before any chemical had entered my system, was thought out. What would I want my epitaph to read? I summed it up in a few short sentences: “I am sorry that I have hurt you all, I just wanted to be happy. I could not go through just existing for the sake of others, perhaps in death I shall find life.” With the music softly fading away, the room growing dim and reality slipping away, I slept; perhaps I had temporarily passed beyond this realm that much I will never know. What I do know is that two days had passed before I woke up. It was at this point that I realized I needed to be with my family, that even though I was going to have to shut down and be a shell of my true self, I would do it for my son… at least I would try. This was the point in my life where my repentance and purging began, the next almost 5 years, more of a prison sentence than a new life or beginning. I felt at this point that my life had no direction; that I was at a complete standstill. I merely walked amongst the living, but I did not live. I merely existed amongst the rest of society. I gave away close to four thousand dollars worth of wardrobe, a professional makeup kit that included every color in the spectrum, and most importantly I threw out my own life, which included my own self worth, and happiness. Acting out of what my family and everybody else wanted to see, I became “that guy.” I had an affair with one of the local girls in the town. Feeling alone and misunderstood led me to many places emotionally and physically; attention seeking in ways that were clearly not healthy and with detrimental effects on my entire life and in 1999 one such incident has affected my life for the remainder of my days. Lacking a positive parent-child relationship growing up, I was never protected from deviant behavior, or the temptation to engage in negative moral behavior. Not completing certain maturation cycles appropriately, I was never pre-armed properly since I lacked discussions of strategies that would have helped to deal with harmful situations. It is social-learning theorist Albert Bandura that claims that children learn more from observing others than from rewards and punishments. The Bandura theory states that, when a child sees someone rewarded for a behavior, he believes that he will also be rewarded if he behaves in the same way (Bandura, 1977, 1989). Having lacked the benefits of warm and supportive parents, by using inductive discipline and avoiding power battles, authoritative parents might have been able to maintain their proper role as authority figures, at the same time had they discussed and negotiated and turned over decision making when it was proper to do so would have allowed for healthy maturation and proper moral development. When children behave in ways that are considered positive, they receive positive reinforcement and the reason for the reinforcement is clearly explained. By modeling proper moral behaviors and thinking, these parents provide opportunities for their children to do so as well. Pithers, looked at the relapse process as a cognitive behavioral chain. The unwanted behavior is the end result of a lengthy sequence of thoughts and actions. This behavioral chain generally consisted of four distinct stages; first there is a lifestyle, personality or situational event, which forms the background to the addictive behavior. Second, the individual experiences negative mood states as a result of the stressors, and consequently enter a high-risk situation. The person lapses by thinking or fantasizing about the behavior. The person relapses and commits the undesired actions. The Pithers model identifies only one pathway that leads to high-risk situations and the undesired behavior. The cognitive behavioral chain is characterized by a sequence of “apparently irrelevant decisions.” These decisions interfere with the person’s self-control mechanism. A high-risk state is typically characterized by a negative emotional state, interpersonal conflict, or external conditions. The model postulates that the person is initially in an abstinent state with relatively high self-efficacy beliefs. However with the advent of apparently irrelevant decisions, a high-risk situation emerges and if not coped with results in a lapse or relapse. The criticism of Pither’s model include that it relies on the presupposition of associated mechanisms and stages where no clear connection as to sequence exists. Pithers defines lapse in terms of thinking and fantasizing and does not account for feedback loops that eventually may lead to relapse. The model tends to focus more on skills deficit rather than on decision-making. Further there is no distinction in the model with regard to the frequency of the return to addictive behavior, or the level of use if the return is to a pattern of certain behaviors. Likewise there is little account for impulsive behaviors where a sudden opportunity presents itself and is mediated by the individual’s level of self-control. Ward & Hudson (2000) suggest a self-regulation model of relapse prevention that has its foundations both in theoretical and empirical work. They incorporated Pither’s concept of an addictive pathway, but expanded their theory to include three major pathways, a positive one, a negative one, and a mixed pathway. Initially, there is a precipitating phase in which the offense cycle is triggered by an event that leads to feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem, which in turn leads the offender to take a “poor me” stance, assuming or expecting the worst, feeling helplessness, and beginning to withdraw and isolate. This is followed by a compensatory phase in which the offender begins blaming others for his problems and engages in behaviors in an attempt to gain power and control. Finally there is an integration phase in which the offender first affirms his adequacy but then begins to develop fears of being caught and other negative consequences. The first major pathway is the positive pathway, characterized by a positive mood in the beginning, followed by direct and explicit behavior planning. Secondly, the negative pathway is characterized by negative emotions associated with the addictive behavior and throughout the process, with implicit planning featured as the precursor to the addictive behavior. Lastly, a mixed pathway begins with a negative emotional state but as the frequency of thoughts about the addictive behavior increase the affect changes to a positive state, as the person’s cognitive dissonance is resolved and their planning increases. Post behavior evaluations may be remorse, fear of further consequences, regret, negative self-attributions, and a commitment to refrain from the addictive behavior. The self-regulation model focuses on the use of internal and external processes that enable the individual to engage in goal-directed behavior; this can refer to the achievement or avoidance of desired goals. Today I know who I am and what I want out of life. This journey is just the beginning for me, you see I feel that we are all here for a purpose, mine is to guide others to embrace their own light. If I can help others, if one person does not have to suffer and go through all that I’ve endured over the years, then when my passing comes, I will be greeted and I will hear the words “well done, my good and faithful servant.” I’m definitely on a path to spiritual enlightenment, and this journey begins with me. This is the way that God has made me; too pretty to be a man, and too ugly to be a genetic female. Today I praise God each and every day for making me the way I am, for giving me knowledge and insight into both male and female roles without having to look up in textbooks any analogies of why I am the way I am, I just accept who I am and all that I have become in my years on God’s good grace alone. I don’t curse or question why He made me the way He did today. After countless years of thinking I had all the answers it turned out that the ways I had been going about doing things was insane, at least according to Einstein. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing and expecting different results, that was how I had lived my life for so long. Looking back and reflecting upon all that I had done and all the opportunities that had passed me by out of shear ignorance. Today I have people in my life who are positive and who help influence my actions to becoming the person I wish to be. My girl is the best, but even if it were to all end for one reason or another I know that I have a strong built foundation that will move me to the next level without faltering along the way. No one makes me who I am but me. It is God’s grace working through me that does what it does in my life, this is not some new revelation that was caused by being incarcerated, some sort of lip service that I pay to appease those in authority, this is just who I am and it took a long time to embrace all that I feel and all that I am. I was already heading in the right direction but sometimes I procrastinate because I am after all only human. But, throughout that period of stagnancy I was able to find out who I truly am and embrace it all 100%. I am me and I am at my happiest when things are going right for me as is with most others but in the same aspect I have been in crowded places and felt as if I was all by myself. In the loneliness I found myself. It was those times when I was trapped in the abysmal darkness that became my life while I was incarcerated that I learned to be by myself and was able to grow comfortable in the fact that I wanted more out of life and was going to set a course of action that would get me to where I wanted to be in every aspect of it. Can I say I will never falter, stumble and walk a perfect and upright life? Of course I would be lying if I were to say yes but at the same time I can say that as I begin to stumble I can at least recognize that imbalance and correct it along the way, which was no easy task to do once upon a time. That is where my growth has brought me. *This is the foundation of what I will be building my Doctoral Thesis on. I will be taking a self-report account describing all I have been through as a longitudinal individual case study* xoxo Cherilyn
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Mar 31 2009, 09:55 AM
Desmon
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