The Wonderful and Weird World of The Turd. Options

[The Turd]

Every has a opinions and beliefs they hold regarding a great many thing. Much of them of course boil down to simple preference. Many of them are shaped by how we were raised or by our experiences. And a great many of them may very well not make any sense to others. And so, a few "Turdisms" for your digestion:

The use of umbrellas is unmanly. They're for women and pussies. A little rain ain't gonna kill ya.

Baths are for girls. Men take showers.

A real man would never use one of those infinitely sissified poofy things to lather up with in a shower either.

Don't eat like a hog slurping up the slop. I direct this to Dude! Chick because she loves to pretty much put all her food in a bowl and eat it just like that. It's barbaric. It's uncivilized. It's disgusting.

Also, while on food, unless the food was specifically meant to touch, cover, or be mixed, do not do any of them. I don't want to see you eating a forkful of meat with mashed potatoes slobbered all over it. It's barbaric!

Only morons lose their car keys, cellphones, or other commonly lost items. I always know where my shit is because I have habituated good keeping track of things habits. Learn it people.

Never point your gun at something you don't intend to shoot.

Men should not eat womanly things like mousse and fruity yogurts.

Don't turn your wallet into a trash dump by filling it with receipts and shit you never actually will need or use.

It's not a meal if meat isn't present on the plate or in the bowl. Otherwise it is just an unsastifying snack.

Eggs should never be eaten.

Your passengers in your car should be seen and not heard. Nor should they talk too much, mess with your steroe, or throw stuff.

Babies are disgusting germ and filth factories.

Gaping maws. Shut your fucking mouth. Ever see those people walking about or just sitting there and their goddamned mouth is gaping open?!? Do they realize how stupid they look? If food ain't going into it or words are coming out of it then keep the trap shut people.

Anyone wearing one of those chest worn baby harnesses ought to be beaten. Seriously. Hanging your baby on your chest? What the hell will you do if you turn a corner on a sidewalk and some asshole on a bicycle or skates plows into you? Or you stumble and fall flat on your face?

Cats should never be on a leash. They are proud and noble creatures who refuse to submit to the silly whims humans inflict on them.

When at restaurants that make you get your own drink always buy the small.

Never eat in any place where the lighting is not bright.

If you buy someone dinner let them order whatever they'd like. But if they don't eat enough to justify the expense make them pay for it.

Text messaging is idiotic. Why not just fucking call them?

Always leave the table a little hungry. Never stuff yourself.

Always drink your coffee from the same cup when at home.

Never eat in the presence of babies who are also eating.

Never eat in the presence of adults who eat like babies.

Do not slam car doors.

When in a store with someone alongside and you're pushing the buggy make them follow behind you. Or, if they push you follow behind them.

When walking down a sidewalk on the street in the company of a girl keep yourself between her and the traffic.

Never be the first to speak when meeting people. Let them go first. This way you can size them up.

[Username]

I had to go to the ER tonight and get stitched up from a dog bite.

An ER copay is cheaper than a vet visit.

[The Turd]

That poor dog is going to need a rabies shot now.

[Username]

I got a tetanus again too, fucking arm is throbbing now.

[Chaingunner]

Agree with you on eggs man, they are toxic shit that deserve incinerating or blasting into outer space.

[Lost999]

Great list Turd

I have a personal rule I never let someone buy me cigarettes or alcohol, there vices and if I cant afford them then I dont need them.

Plus I hate owing anyone anything, especially friends.

[Dino Velvet]

I agree with these.

The use of umbrellas is unmanly. They're for women and pussies. A little rain ain't gonna kill ya.

Baths are for girls. Men take showers.

A real man would never use one of those infinitely sissified poofy things to lather up with in a shower either.

Only morons lose their car keys, cellphones, or other commonly lost items. I always know where my shit is because I have habituated good keeping track of things habits. Learn it people.

Never point your gun at something you don't intend to shoot.

Men should not eat womanly things like mousse and fruity yogurts.

Don't turn your wallet into a trash dump by filling it with receipts and shit you never actually will need or use.

Babies are disgusting germ and filth factories.

Gaping maws. Shut your fucking mouth. Ever see those people walking about or just sitting there and their goddamned mouth is gaping open?!? Do they realize how stupid they look? If food ain't going into it or words are coming out of it then keep the trap shut people.

Anyone wearing one of those chest worn baby harnesses ought to be beaten. Seriously. Hanging your baby on your chest? What the hell will you do if you turn a corner on a sidewalk and some asshole on a bicycle or skates plows into you? Or you stumble and fall flat on your face?

Cats should never be on a leash. They are proud and noble creatures who refuse to submit to the silly whims humans inflict on them.

Never eat in any place where the lighting is not bright.

Text messaging is idiotic. Why not just fucking call them?

Always drink your coffee from the same cup when at home.

Never eat in the presence of babies who are also eating.

Never eat in the presence of adults who eat like babies.

Do not slam car doors.

Never be the first to speak when meeting people. Let them go first. This way you can size them up.

I'm not sure if you'd like to eat with me, Turd. I guard my food and have been told I eat like someone in prison. I use the biggest spoon available and shovel food in my mouth. I never waste anything and eat every grain of rice on my plate. I'm chatty until the food comes and then you never hear another peep out of me until I'm done unless your hand gets too close to my mouth then I snarl at you.

[seanchai]

This certainly gives me a snapshot into a world that I rarely get to see (unless traveling in PA) and happy that I'm far away from.
While I agree with some ... no eating in places where the lighting isn't bright???
And no eggs ... what would I do my deviled kidneys with ... or my kippers?

[Dino Velvet]

This certainly gives me a snapshot into a world that I rarely get to see (unless traveling in PA) and happy that I'm far away from.
While I agree with some ... no eating in places where the lighting isn't bright???
And no eggs ... what would I do my deviled kidneys with ... or my kippers?

Eggs are great and even better an hour later when a friend is trapped in the car with me with the windows rolled up.

[speedking50]

great list, but i think you forgot,"ain't fit for a grown man to make up his own bed."

[The Turd]

Damn Dino, you sound just like my friend Peanut. That guy eats everything on his plate so well that it looks like there was never even any food on it. We went to a restaurant once and his meal was so big it came on two plates. When he was done I didn't even see any residue left on the plates.

[Dino Velvet]

Damn Dino, you sound just like my friend Peanut. That guy eats everything on his plate so well that it looks like there was never even any food on it. We went to a restaurant once and his meal was so big it came on two plates. When he was done I didn't even see any residue left on the plates.

Is he a husky type fella like me? We tend to like our food.

I had an old gym workout buddy and every time we finished lifting we would go wreck a Chinese Buffet.

[The Turd]

Yeah. He's pretty stout. Looks like a giant. Has the temperament of one too.

[Dino Velvet]

Yeah. He's pretty stout. Looks like a giant. Has the temperament of one too.

Is this him?

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[The Turd]

Nope. He'd never let his hair grow that long.